AZhitman.com

Automakers, take note: This one’s directed squarely at your design staff. Quit paying them until they get a clue…

1: Clear tail lights.
This is one of many fads that has recently gained steam and that I will never be able to understand. Clear tail lights looked terrible 15 years ago when Cadillac used them on the Seville, and they haven’t gotten any more attractive over the years. Instead, they’ve just grown overused. They look cheap and not nearly as attractive as simple RED lenses. I don’t think there’s a fad out there that bores me or annoys me as much as clear tail lights.

2: Goofy hood seams.
Another one I just can’t understand. Hood seams, like ALL panel seams, should be HIDDEN. Why is it that so many models are putting them in the most obvious places possible? Culprits: Last-gen Chevy Silverado, V36 G35, Mercedes Benz C-class, late-model Dodge Ram. All of these cars, save the G, have the hood gap on the SIDE of the hood. Why? What was wrong with having the hood’s edges on TOP of the car? It looked infinitely better. And as for the G…the seam  is on top of a bulge that’s already terrible looking on it’s own–but the way the hood is designed, that ugly bulge also serves as a giant “Panel Gap HERE!!!!” neon sign. Terrible.

3: Plastic bulges.
Pointiac made cars with excessive bulging and strakes for years. Everyone hated it. As soon as Pontiac started backing off, everyone else picked up right where they left off! BMW’s new 3 and 1 series are so bulge-ridden, they could pass for ex-monster-truck fodder. And Toyota is just as guilty of Pontiac of using glue-on plastic chunks to add “aggressive” styling cues to their cars. Has anyone looked at the rear of a Corolla S? What the HELL is going on there? Plastic triangles? What is that? Little tip for car designers: Cars shouldn’t look like they’re melting. Although, a blowtorch would really do wonders for an Avalanche, Nitro or an Element.

4: Triangular headlights.
This is one that many people were tired of before it even really took off. But now it’s everywhere. We even see companies swapping out traditional headlights for triangular ones on cars that looked great with traditional ones to begin with. EVERYTHING has triangular headlights now. Diamante, 350Z, Accord, Celica, XL-7… It’s time to do something different. And hopefully attractive. Because 9 out of 10 cars with triangular headlights look like crap.

5: Bangle Butt.
How is it possible for the most hated fad in automotive styling history to become so widely used? Cars from every category are getting the Bangle Butt treatment, from econoboxes to ultralux sedans and everything in between. But no one likes it. Not one single person. So why the hell are people designing cars with the look? STOP. MAKING. CARS. WITH. BANGLE. BUTTS. The most universally hated automotive styling icon in the history of the universe is also the most widely copied? To try to make sense of the prevalence of the Bangle Butt phenomenon is to test the limits of human understanding.

6: Ridiculously high beltlines.
I remember the days when you could drive your car with the window down and actually stick your elbow out the window while using the sill as an arm rest. Not in 2007. Unless you’re 9 feet tall. Because these days, cars are like bathtubs. Side  windows are about 3 inches tall. The rest of the height of the car is occupied by upholstery. Why? I couldn’t tell you. But I can tell you that it’s stupid. Please: think of the DRIVER of your cars. Drop the beltline just a few inches. It won’t hurt a thing.

7: Bulky door handles.
It’s like a 1970s revival! What happened to the sleek, blended door handles of the ’90s? Now we’ve got bulky Bell Telephone handles sticking out of everything. What’s the deal? Maybe they should be made out of Bakelite. Better yet, let’s just put DOOR KNOBS on them instead! Hell, every car on the market already has remote keyless entry – Would it kill automakers to have the doors actually POP OPEN?

8: Fender vents.
I HATE fender vents. They’re on everything now. They have NEVER looked good on any car ever. And they’re only becoming more common. Buick’s bringing them back. They’re on the M3. They’re on the Range Rover. They’re even available with 3M double-sided tape on ebay so you can PRETEND you have fender vents. Stop the madness, because pointless design features SUCK.

9: Decklid spoilers.
First off, not a “spoiler” by any definition of the term. Best we can do is call it a “wing”, and even then it’s a misuse of the word. Here’s a heads-up to all auto manufacturers: If you’d design a properly aerodynamic car in the first place, you wouldn’t have to tack on a “spoiler” afterwards! Besides, most cars with these plastic monstrosities are front-wheel drive,  which means A: They don’t need downforce, and B: They’re slow anyway. Nothing says “poser” like a plastic wing glued to a trunklid.

10: Uni-tails.
Hate to pick on Detroit again, but they’re guilty. Yep. So, you’re looking at an Impala. Has 4 round taillights, right? Why does the red plastic panel cover 16 acres? Dodge did it too (think Stratus and Intrepid). Even Furd has gotten in on the game, with the monster tails on its trucks – But only a small fraction of it lights up! Think we could maybe eliminate all that extra plastic and just french in the taillights, a la Corvette? Minimalism is a good thing sometimes.

Chris Snider is a Moderator on NICOclub’s Nissan Forums and an occasional contributor of vitriolic rants…